Treasured Trash.
Outside of Terry Kennedy’s shockingly ugly Ice Cream Ronald McDonald orthopedic clown shoe joints, these are quite possibly the worst looking shoes in the history of skateboarding that I have ever laid my eyes upon, yet people (retards, actually) are paying upwards of 3,000 dollars for them on eBay these days. I bet that if you buy these shoes you get a free bowl of soup. OH, but they look good on YOU. Do you have any idea how much stuff you can buy and how much fun you could have with three thousand dollars? Copping these and immediately locking them in a temperature controlled cave and never allowing to let the light of day dare to shine upon them doesn’t sound very fun at all. If I had a pair of these right now I would throw them on and walk from my apartment to 7-11 to get a Coke slurpee.
Those are really, really good and I enjoy one at least twice a week. But on the way there I would make sure I stepped in every muddy fucking puddle and also tromp through all of the deepest, wettest spots possible, which would be quite easy since it has been pouring rain non-stop all weekend. After I got home I would jump inside the whip and drive to the skatepark in Chinatown, which happens to be in the dirtiest, filthiest part of the city. Upon arrival I would step out of my car and walk a few laps around the perimeter of the skatepark, making sure to step through every piss pool and upon every diseased piece of filth and excrement that I could find before finally entering the hallowed shred arena. Upon laying my board to concrete, I would warm up first by doing about three hundred flatground kickflips in the dirtiest, trashiest corner of the park so that even when I bailed (which would probably be often) I would most assuredly be running out and stepping all over pho’ noodle containers, mounds of discarded blunt tobacco, puddles of spit, and rivers of spilled malt liquor. Then I would ollie over the bank to bank about five hundred times, making sure to alternate between regular, nollie and switch so that the rips and tears would be even on both shoes. I would repeat this entire process every day for a week, and then I would take pictures of my shoes and put them up on eBay, making sure to include photos of the box that the shoes came in (it’s gold with black lettering now, no more black with purple) and an index card with SKATE NAZI 143 printed on it so people would know that my shoe shit (literally) was genuine.