More outtakes from the Fully Flared premiere weekend escapade, whoopity fucking doo!

World record height on this bank to wallride after a sausage fest at Denny’s.

Some dude got up, froggy style.

My hotel pool had endless lines. I was kinda thinking figure eight carve grind the deep puddle to wheeler over the shallow steps to fakie flip noseblizzard through the deathbox.

Fucking Guitar Hero hogs, let a brother touch your controller. No homo! Psyche. No homo is the funniest phrase ever, fucking confused and closeted gayball rappers made it up. Dude, I don’t wanna sound like a queer or nothin’, but that new Dipshit joint is packing some serious fudge in your hairy asshole while rocking a fully beadazzled Liberace robe with a feather boa cherry on top. A small percentage of homo!

Rob and Manny were rubbing shoulders all night with some serious industry dudes. No bromo!

Big sweaty men with broad shoulders in tight little shiny silver pants patting each other on the booty? Sign me up, sugar! Not even the faintest, slightest recognizable trace of even a little homo.

Derone struck a super cute drunken pose at the late night taco spot. No maricon!

Chad was totally stoked to be feeling the long, hard steel of aloha print all up in his eye hole. No mahu!

This dude was rolling around Hollywood passing out flyers and his super fruity CD (no promo) near the In-N-Out. No homo, no homo, animal style. (In case you’re wondering, that was the all new and totally unprecedented Double-Double secret menu no homo I just threw out there.) Apparently, his name is Richard. I do believe the shortened version of Richard is DICK, not RIC, so why does his van say RIC-HARD.COM on the side instead of DICK-HARD.COM? Looks like yet another case of mistaken no homo identity crisis if you ask me. Come on, Richard, come clean, already…IN ANOTHER DUDE’S FACE! 4X4 homo, protein style, extra mustard with grilled onions, in your ass piece. BLAAAOOW!  

Went to Los Angeles last weekend with the bros Rob and Chad from APBizzles for this skateboarding movie premiere. Some shoe company made this video, Lakai or something? They have some real skate superstars on their team, better than Sheckler and Bam even, and I guess a lot of people were looking forward to the video for a long time. It’s called Fully Flared and Tickets were super impossible to get but we roll in a seperate universe than most, so I guess we were all up in there. We posse’d up with some more Hawaiians like the Frisco mob of Manny, Mannix, Jeff, the dude from HUF’s skate shop whose name I forgot, and also we met up with Anzai from S.D. and repping aloha in L.A. the bumbaclot Jordan who runs tings in the Girl warehouse plus the savage doctor Andy Henrie, fresh off of a 12 city Nike skate tour to decide whether he wanted to work for them or not. Anyway, the weekend was fucking diesel and never mind you if you’re one of those fools that hates on L.A.! I got much love for Los Angeles, always a blast and there’s In-N-Outs galore.

Fuck the rules!

Carlyon chilling in between brodeo flips.

Shit is diesel!

Artsy shit.

Andre Genovesi says “DON’T BE A PUSSY!” to himself in Portuguese before stunts like this switch flip.

Chad in between marathon runs.

Carlyon, tranny shark.

More shit later.

I said laytuh, man.

Praise Jesus, the Ghostface doll is finally out!

This thing has been talked about for soooo long, but now it seems to have finally been realized and made into the fucking must-have collectible of the millenium.

Have you recently seen the website for this shit?

http://www.theghostfacedoll.com/

It’s nothing short of amazing and it’s downright flabbergasting.

I’m talking straight up mesmerizing.

I really have to tip my hat to the writer, he’s a heavy dude.

Anyway, back to the doll. Holy shit, I need this in my life SO BAD.

It comes with the fucking eagle bracelet!

And that isn’t even the best part.

The illest shit to me is that the doll speaks classic Ghost lines when prompted, in fact two of my all-time favorites are included: “Remember when I long dicked you, and broke your ovary?” and “Yo, bitch, I fucked your friend, yeah, you stank ho!”

Can someone get me this next month? My birthday is six days before Christmas, you can make it an X-mas collabo gift!

I swear to god, my life would be complete.

Yo, the doll even has it’s own blog!

http://blog.theghostfacedoll.com/

Just killing it.

Outside of Terry Kennedy’s shockingly ugly Ice Cream Ronald McDonald orthopedic clown shoe joints, these are quite possibly the worst looking shoes in the history of skateboarding that I have ever laid my eyes upon, yet people (retards, actually) are paying upwards of 3,000 dollars for them on eBay these days. I bet that if you buy these shoes you get a free bowl of soup. OH, but they look good on YOU. Do you have any idea how much stuff you can buy and how much fun you could have with three thousand dollars? Copping these and immediately locking them in a temperature controlled cave and never allowing to let the light of day dare to shine upon them doesn’t sound very fun at all. If I had a pair of these right now I would throw them on and walk from my apartment to 7-11 to get a Coke slurpee.

Those are really, really good and I enjoy one at least twice a week. But on the way there I would make sure I stepped in every muddy fucking puddle and also tromp through all of the deepest, wettest spots possible, which would be quite easy since it has been pouring rain non-stop all weekend. After I got home I would jump inside the whip and drive to the skatepark in Chinatown, which happens to be in the dirtiest, filthiest part of the city. Upon arrival I would step out of my car and walk a few laps around the perimeter of the skatepark, making sure to step through every piss pool and upon every diseased piece of filth and excrement that I could find before finally entering the hallowed shred arena. Upon laying my board to concrete, I would warm up first by doing about three hundred flatground kickflips in the dirtiest, trashiest corner of the park so that even when I bailed (which would probably be often) I would most assuredly be running out and stepping all over pho’ noodle containers, mounds of discarded blunt tobacco, puddles of spit, and rivers of spilled malt liquor. Then I would ollie over the bank to bank about five hundred times, making sure to alternate between regular, nollie and switch so that the rips and tears would be even on both shoes. I would repeat this entire process every day for a week, and then I would take pictures of my shoes and put them up on eBay, making sure to include photos of the box that the shoes came in (it’s gold with black lettering now, no more black with purple) and an index card with SKATE NAZI 143 printed on it so people would know that my shoe shit (literally) was genuine.    

Why the long face? This post is dedicated to the one and only Geronimo Secreteriat, the greatest triple crown winner in equestrian history. If you didn’t already know, my mane man Gerrardemy is a comedy stallion and of horse he and I have been fans of each other’s work since the days of the Frisco Brown Rug Famila, long before he was internationally famous for hosting skateboard travel pony shows and not yet world-reknowned for spitting out backhanded compliments and quotable one-liners faster than Robin Williams on a couple dozen triple shot yayo latte’s. Has your dog ever fetched you a beer from the fridge? Your kitty kat ever answer the phone? Ever take your fish to the drive-thru for a cheeseburger? Of horse not. Patches blows all of your kook pets away, you barneys!

That’s the date of the premiere of season 5 of The Wire, a.k.a. the best show on television. Easily the best show on TV right now, maybe even all-time. Yep. Better than Cheers. Better than The Flintstones. Better than Magnum P.I., all that shit. Season 5 is going to be on some epic, legendary type shit. Believe it. Since this upcoming season is also reported to be the last season of the series, you can look forward to some crazy shit happening in Charm City, hon. Will Avon come back to challenge Marlo and try to take back what was once his?  Will Marlo attempt to go over Prop Joe’s head so he can get that raw from the Greek himself? Are Chris and Snoop headed for death row? Is Omar still steady jacking fools? Does Bubbles finally get clean? Is Daniels about to become police commissioner? Will Carcetti be elected governor? How does Randy thrive in foster care? What about Namon and Bunny Colvin’s relationship? Do Michael and Dukie end up the new Avon and Stringer? This is only the tip of the iceberg as far as issues that will be resolved. Hopefully. Unless this show goes out like The Sopranos (not fucking likely), The Wire will go down in history as the finest piece of television that has ever aired. Period, motherfucker! Get your fix of old episodes right now via HBO On Demand, and peep this season 5 preview right here, with the very first look at footage from the upcoming last batch of shows.

They’re everywhere right now. South swell, east swell, north swell, pretty much everywhere on Oahu has surf at the moment, I myself just returned from a nice 2 hour solo sesh at Sandy’s, where it was 2-4 feet (Hawaiian, not that radio shit they broadcast for tourists) and quite a bit on the burly side. It doesn’t get much better than taking off on some Middle Peak or Gas Chambers bombs and proceeding to pull into a nice roomy shack for a few seconds, although the experience can be enhanced quite a bit if you happen to eye-spy one of your homies speeding at you and the two of you have the chance to share a moment in the green conference room together. That right there is some good shit. Even gooder than that is this dude: the modern-day Jeff Spicoli, and the voice I hear every single time I’m about to get barreled. You may have seen this golden clip floating around the interwebs already, after all it has been being passed around for sometime now, and it doesn’t really have anything to do with Hawaii or bodysurfing, but that doesn’t make it any less epic and downright awe-inspiring. I mean, this guy is all about it, and by it I mean getting pitted. Sooooo pitted.

What does Red Bull have to do with skateboarding? Who gives a shit! I’m going to be able to see Jojo Brezinski showcase his ludicrous manual skills in the flesh and bear witness to Nick Dompeezy completely shutting down my home park, all the while pounding down free Red Balls with Tyrone Biggums! Oh, you ain’t knowin’? He’s got a sick nollie heel.

The Fall Classic starts tonight in Boston, where probably my least favorite team in any of the professional sports is playing the Colorado Rockies in a best-of-seven series to see who is the best team in Major League Baseball. Why the fuck do they call it the World Series anyway? It’s not like these guys are playing teams from Cuba or the Dominican Republic or Japan, that would be some cool shit but I guess that’s what the World Baseball Classic is for.

Anyway, this series should be good because the one of the hottest teams in recent memory is playing for the National League and has a good chance of making the Boston Red Sox eat a fucking dick. The Colorado Rockies have won something like 21 out of their last 22 games and they seem like they can’t be fucked with at this point, but you never know with these goddamned fucking assholes from Boston.

They made my New York Yankees look like the biggest chokers in the history of baseball when they blew a 3-0 lead in the ALCS in 2004, and although I had already intensely hated them with a serious passion prior to that unprecedented and embarrassing collapse, when they won the Series that year my hatred for them multiplied by about a hundred bazillion. I guess I can’t fault them or their fans TOO much, I mean the last time they won the Series before that, I think they had stegasaurases and triceratops or some other herbivorous fucking dinosaurs working the groundskeeping crew at Fenway Park, those creatures really kept the playing field there immaculate.

Stupid Sox fans were all like “Yeah! We reversed the curse! Fuck you!” No actually, FUCK YOU. There was no curse, the Red Sox just sucked asshole for EIGHTY-SIX FUCKING YEARS! Congratulations! You finally won one. Let me know when your team reaches 26 titles, at the pace the Sox are going that should be approximately in the year 9372855277520639116598 A.D.

Look at this fucking pumpkin head David Ortiz right here.Look at the size of his melon! It’s bigger than Sputnik!Hopefully at the end of this Series he’ll be home crying into his extremely enormous pillow.

Then you have this knucklehead Manny Ramirez, here he is pictured with the grill that he sold on Ebay. Yep, Man-Ram (nice nickname, does not conjure images of anything even vaguely homosexual whatsoever) flipped a fucking barbeque grill on Ebay. This guy looks like Benny Fairfax and Bastien Salabanzi had Brokeback sex and shitted out a braided baby predator on steroids.

Then there’s this fucking ridiculously overrated chucker from Japan, Daisuke Matsuzaka. The Red Sox paid like 50 million dollars in the off-season just to get a chance to TALK with this chump about coming over to play for them and then he promptly went out and finished the regular season winning barely over half of the games he pitched in. Congratulations! Or should I say OMEDETO GOZAIMASU! Here the “Dice Man” is pictured dressed up as one of the Teletubbys, I’m not sure if it was the Teletubby that was reportedly supposed to be gay, but Dice sure looks fruity enough for both of them. If that wasn’t bad enough, he’s wearing that kit pictured next to Hideki Okajima, another Nihonjin pitcher that they imported, and is homeboy even wearing a costume here? Brown leather and eye patches. I think that’s how relief pitchers in Boston blow off steam, or blow off something else, I’m not too sure.

Red Sox fans are even more annoying than the team. Especially the stupid celebrity ones like this no talent fuck nuts right here and his below average looking wife. Both of you suck shit, and you are a fine representative for Sox fans across the globe.

Even the sloggits are getting in on the action. Look at this whore with the fucking tramp stamp. I would love see Dice K and his pirate friend pour gay load bukkake buckets all over this wench.

So I guess you could kind of say that I want the Rockies to win.

The beat kicks you in the head.

The sound kicks you in the face.